Yeah, still alive...

But not for lack of trying otherwise.

I sit here trying to organize a few months worth of back paperwork of my own, an attempt in futility at its finest. I know when my bills are due, I do all my business online, could care less about hard copies. But it's recommended I keep up with all of it and since this is the start of the new year for my Jewish brethren, I suppose it's as fine a night as any to try a new plan of attack.

I haven't written a meaningful word of fiction in over a month now. I have reams of text in my head but the disconnect between my mind and the keyboard is still in place. Tried a blog a few weeks back and the words tried to cut my throat. Wasn't time I guess.

I'm lifting again, enduring self punishment on a level that would make de Sade smile with glea. No junk food, no Dr. Peppers, more vegetables than I probably ate in my entire college career. My motivation is simple. I'm 35 and a fat bastard. I feel it will all be worth it come April. If nothing else I feel better now. I realized today how far down I've slid. My daughter asked me to jump on the trampolne with her. No, it didn't break. But after two minutes of jumping I felt like I had shards of glass in my knees. Jumping will now be a daily thing for me. Part of the universal truth, pain means life.

In the past month I've had the experience of dealing with two dead people, one who was dead when I got there, the other who died while I was working on them as an ECA. In both cases I didn't feel shock, grief, horror, what have you. I felt almost nothing at all. Anger that we couldn't do more perhaps. A moment of doubt in my self, questioning did I do all I could. But other than that, nothing. It was simply something that I was part of, it happened and now it's over. I don't know if this is a good thing, or means I'm seriously disturbed. Please don't think I'm unemotional, I wish I were so at times. I think it comes down to the fact that I have no fear of death or it's forms and faces. Any thoughts from you, oblivious reader?

I am seriously enjoying the new music feature on here. Currently I am flashing back to my childhood and listening to Doug Kershaw and Joel Sonnier and all kinds of Cajun music. I grew up in south Louisiana, Bayou Vista and Morgan City. Long time back. Throw in some Texas music, some Rodney Crowell, Billy Joe Royal, Dwight Yoakam.

I'll come back with something serious on here in a month or so I'm sure. For now, y'all take care.

Later.